Endurance [summer 2015...so far]

"Therefore since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne." -Hebrews 12:1-2 HCSB

"knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." -James 1:3-4 HCSB

Endurance is definitely something that I'm not the greatest at and pacing is most certainly not my middle name. I'm that person that if I were to ever run in a race (disclaimer, be there and done that in first grade...it didn't end well and I may have come in last. But hey, at least I finished, right?), I would start out of the gate full speed ahead, not even thinking of the next mile I had to complete. Two minutes in I would rather be laying on the couch at home than running that mile against my will. 

My first summer of working day camp here in Kentucky, I went to bed almost every night between 8-9 if I had to work at 6:00 the next morning. Two summers later, and I'm lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep the night before I have to be at work at 6 AM. I also quickly realized this summer that I started out of the gate week one with so much energy that it was ridiculous, and here we are at the end of week 3 and I'm praying Jesus will use the Cliff energy bars I eat on a daily basis to give me some real energy. 

So yeah, having endurance and pacing aren't exactly my strong points.

It blows my mind when God knows these things and decides to sometimes use our weakest points to teach us some of the biggest lessons. The past six, almost seven months, have been long and hard, with lots of wandering. I was really beginning to question God about why these months have been so hard, and then these verses from Hebrews and James came into play. And then I began to really understand endurance. 

Especially during the past couple of weeks, the word endurance has popped up EVERYWHERE. It started out with a sermon my pastor in Franklin (Jed) was preaching and he referred to Hebrews 12:1-2. Then one of my friends who sends out verses to us weekly sent the exact same verses from Jed's sermon, a new friend I made through World Changers brought up the same Scripture reference and the James 1 reference above, and after talking about it and reading more things with the word endurance in it, I finally started taking notice. (Sometimes I think Jesus should just drop a big neon sign from Heaven with His message so I can get it the first time around.)

The thing about endurance is that it is the result of the testing of our faith. Jesus had endurance - all the way to death on a cross. So when the writer of Hebrews says earlier in the book that "...we do not have a high priest (Jesus) who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tested in every way as we are...", that even means that Jesus understands endurance. He was tempted and tested and He endured. Therefore, I can endure and "...be mature and complete, lacking nothing". 

These past several months, and this summer, are a part of that test that will produce endurance. Even in the midst of this "desert" I feel like I've been in for so long, God is still using it all for my good. I love that about Him. Nothing is ever for our bad or our lacking. He longs for us to be made mature and complete, lacking absolutely nothing. 

For Him, I will continue to endure. I will continue to go through this season as my faith is being tested in the "race that lies before" me. Why? Because the end result is much sweeter than anything else I could ever imagine. 

All I Want Is _____

I don't even know where to begin.

This weekend was unlike anything else I have ever experienced. There were lots of laughs, tears, Kodak moments, hugs, high fives, and everything in between. It was a weekend that I wish didn't have to end.

After getting 5 hours of sleep Friday night, driving 2.5 hours to volunteer at an all day event, going to bed last night and waking up to go to church, going to church and lunch with a friend, driving an hour and a half back towards home to take an hour long tour of a historical site for a homework assignment, and then driving another hour and a half to get home, most people would finish the sentence "All I want is [_____]" with the word 'sleep'. As true as that may be, this weekend has shown me I would finish the sentence with:

All I want is [Jesus].

A couple of weeks ago, I honestly don't know if I would've finished that sentence the same way. Maybe I would have, but with a tag on the end.

All I want is Jesus [to give me some direction].
All I want is Jesus [to be near].
All I want is Jesus [to hold me].

You see, I've been in the midst of a season of wandering. So many times in the past six months, I have felt like I've been roaming around in the world's largest desert, looking for Jesus. That's not to say that I necessarily doubted Him because I always believed that He was close, but sometimes I wondered if mine and Jesus' definition of 'close' matched up.

So I roamed. And wandered. And meandered. And every other word you can think of that's synonymous with the word 'roam' - all the while wondering where in the world Jesus was and why I couldn't seem to find Him or feel His presence.

And today, as Benji was leading us in a new song during worship, the simple chorus got me. It all made sense. For the last six months, when I was roaming through this desert, I didn't want or desire Jesus. What I wanted and desired were answers to questions and life figured out in ways that I thought I could answer or figure out. I wanted and desired to figure those things out on my own or to ask someone around. I was in one of those 'it's my way or no way' kind of mentalities. All along, what I should've wanted was Jesus.

All I want is Jesus

All I want is Jesus

Nothing can compare

No one else will do

All I want is You

Five simple lines. That's 23 words sung in a matter of 20 seconds or so. But that's all it took.

I was broken (and very teary eyed every time we prayed - because no one wants to see this girl cry).

It's crazy to me that God uses such a simple melody or a chorus to speak to us sometimes. It's even crazier to me that after feeling so lost and broken for so long that all it took was those 20 seconds. In that moment, I felt the heaviness of that truth. All I should ever want is Jesus - and only Him. He really was right beside me the entire time these past six months. I just had to realize that all these answers to questions I wanted weren't what mattered. Jesus mattered. And nothing, not even the cutest little kiddos from halfway around the world or food from one of my favorite Mexican restaurants or time with my family could ever compare to Jesus and His love for me.

So whatever desert you're roaming through right, know that He is there. He's walking right beside you, ready for you to reach out to His already extended hand. He loves you. He is faithful and loyal, even in those moments when you feel the most alone, lost, and broken.

"The Lord's love never ends; his mercies never stop. They are new every morning; Lord, your loyalty is great. I say to myself, 'The Lord is mine, so I hope in him.'"
-Lamentations 3:22-24 (NCV)

All I want is Jesus

All I want is Jesus

Nothing can compare

No one else will do

All I want is You

For me, it took those five lines and spending a weekend surrounded by my family, several dozen cute little kiddos, my Show Hope family, a few Franklin friends, and my RCC family to realize that truth. For you, it could take something a whole lot simpler or a much more grandiose affair. The beautiful thing is that God can teach us the same thing through so many ways.

After a really hard season in my journey, I can honestly say All I want is JESUS. My prayer is that you, too, will come to that same realization and live it out every day. It may be tough some days or weeks or months, but God is so good to bring us back to that truth. And sometimes He even throws in extra hugs, laughs, or memories to help :)

Let's Recap [RBP Spring 15]

I've realized rather quickly that I go through phases with things. One minute I'm all about something and the next I'm over it. Obviously, blogging happens to be one of those things. So due to my lack of writing any this semester, let's do a quick recap. Since the end of January, I have:

-Cheered for the Patriots in the SuperBowl (because when your friend/host for the weekend is a Patriots fan, you become one too)
-Lived in middle TN for 15 weeks with a family I had only met in passing one time before I actually moved in (no worries, I work with their oldest daughter at Show Hope so it wasn't as random as it sounds)
-Met and became friends with 4 of the most inspiring people one could ever intern alongside of
-Ridden in the top of a double decker bus for 4 weeks
-Stepped foot on 14 different college campuses in those 4 weeks
-Attended an ETC simulcast and CAFO 2015 (in person!)
-Freaked out after seeing a couple of famous people in Franklin
-Stepped out of my comfort zone and made new friends in Franklin (not with the famous people, but man that would be cool)
-Accepted a job with a summer camp, later turned down that job offer, and become a site supervisor for the summer day camp I've worked at the two previous summers

Whew. Now I think we're all caught up.

My second internship with the Red Bus Project was one that I will never forget. While I was interning with the same organization and essentially doing the same thing as before, this time around was also so different. I love how creative God is because He can use the same thing to impact or affect us in completely different ways. During my first internship, I learned a lot about God and His different character qualities that I saw not only in myself, but in those around me, in creation, and in the everyday mundane things. This semester, I learned a lot about myself.

-I learned that I love the little details - and I'm actually okay with loving that I love the little details.
-I learned that I love being challenged - and I'm determined to do whatever it takes to accomplish said challenge.
-I learned that I love going deep in conversations with students I've never met.
-I learned that I love loading a Penske and writing on chalkboards.
-I learned that me yelling "Hey I like your Fuge shirt!" to a student across the green from me is surprising to some of my best friends because the me they knew in summer 2014 would have never done that.
-I learned that I love doing even the smallest of tasks, like laminating luggage tags or counting workbooks.
-I learned that I genuinely appreciate people who tell me they see something in me that I don't see.
-I learned that even when I feel the most alone, God is still there, even when I don't think He is.

Even though this season was a little bit harder than I would like to admit, I think one of the reasons is because I learned so much about myself. I'm the type of person who always looks out for other people, their needs, and their qualities while rarely taking the time to see myself, my needs, and my qualities. The funny thing is that God knows exactly what we need at exactly the right time, even if that means more of a look into who we are and who He is making us into.

I still don't have it all figured out and I never will, which scares the OCD/detail oriented/planner person in me. What I do know is that this season of RBP was just as sweet as the first and I'm excited to keep on learning more about myself and who God has made me to be as I continue transitioning out of that season and into my third summer at the YMCA.

Please pray for me as I continue this transition (I'm not a fan of transition whatsoever) from living in middle TN to being back home and as I prepare for summer camp, along with my fellow staff and our kiddos we'll get to know and love throughout these next 8 weeks.

Here's to hoping I won't have to recap much the next time I blog (aka hopefully I won't be as forgetful over the next few weeks)! Happy summer everyone!

He Knows

It's crazy to me that even in those times when you feel like you're running around all day, only to try and settle down then get up and run around some more (ya know those days where you feel like you keep running into yourself coming and going) that Jesus is still teaching. And sometimes, those moments are when I think I learn the most.

In the past week, I've done everything from finishing up time working at the YMCA to writing a paper to going to Winter Jam to packing to having a job interview for this summer to moving back to Franklin. There were lunch plans, late nights, and to-do lists like no other. There were emotions all over the place, from mountain-top highs to way-down-in-the-valley lows. I felt like I was constantly on the go, so I was drained, in every sense of the word-physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I felt so alone in those moments, even though I talked to a couple different people about it all. But it wasn't until I was at Winter Jam this past Thursday night with my family and youth group back home that it clicked and I finally got what Jesus had been trying to tell me. And to think I almost missed it because I had thought about not going since my to-do list was growing by the minute! But Jesus knew I needed to be there, and I'm so glad I was.

Jeremy Camp was in the middle of his set, taking some time away from singing to simply talk. He talked about some struggles he had gone through, but that he realized something one day while talking to God. He told God there was more left in him, he could keep going and write another song in the midst of all the crazy, the trials, the mess. He opened up his Bible and started reading and came across Hebrews 4:15. The Message version reads like this:

We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality.

He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all-all but the sin.

Jesus knows. 

He gets it! He knows what it feels like to run into yourself coming and going or to be completely drained in every sense of the word.

Y'all. That's crazy, but that's also crazy unbelievable. I mean, I wouldn't want anyone else to feel what I feel, but Jesus does. He felt it and went through it all BEFORE I even got to it. 

Isaiah 53:4a describes this suffering servant (Jesus): 

But he took our suffering on him and felt our pain for us.

You see. God knows exactly what pain you're going to bear, what stresses you out, what trials or crazy chaos you're going to go through or have gone through. He's already felt it. HE KNOWS.

In the midst of my crazy week this past week, God was right there the whole time. He was there when I was leaving my last day of work at the YMCA and saying goodbye to my kiddos. He was there when I was waking up early or staying up late working on a paper. He was there when I was up until 3 AM packing to move back to Franklin. Some of those things were harder than others, and some of them drained me more emotionally more than others, but it is so reassuring to know that God has been through all of that and is with us through it all.

No matter what you're going through, know that God is right there. Even when you talk to others about it and still feel like no one quite gets it, He gets it. He's been right there the whole time, even when you don't feel Him. Sometimes it takes driving an hour away to a concert with thousands of people and one singer standing on stage saying, "I get it. I was there and I knew Jesus was there with me, too."

While He's always there, He also knows what's best for you. And sometimes, after a crazy week and being right smack in the middle of a transition, He knows you need rest. We need sabbath; we need rest. We know our rest comes from Him and Him alone. Sometimes He can even use other people to help us realize that and help us to find that rest. 

Sabbath doesn't have to just be on Sunday or whatever day you may view as the Sabbath day; you can make a whole weekend out of it-like this weekend! Being back in Franklin means reconnecting with some friends before getting started at the office on Monday. And when you have the chance to visit with the people you're living with for the semester for half a day Friday then spend the rest of the weekend with another friend, and you literally don't leave the couch except to get food and have quality catchup time and Jesus talks, it's time for rest. 

Thanks Jesus for a weekend of rest, for a time of Sabbath in the midst of crazy and transition (and for being back in Franklin to intern with the RBP again!). Praying that all of you will find Sabbath in your own lives and maybe even help someone else realize they need that rest or be with them during that rest.

Kairos: Defining Moments

Kairos.

It's an ancient Greek word that I was first introduced to at a camp a few years back when the theme of the camp itself was Kairos: Defining Moments. That whole week was spent learning about kairos, or a defining moment, from the Bible and from our own lives that were tied to our relationship with the Lord.

That summer itself was a kairos in my life, a time when I realized I hadn't fully given my heart or my life to the Lord years earlier, but I needed to in that moment, at that camp in eastern KY the summer of 2010. It was a defining moment like no other.

The beautiful thing about a kairos is that it can happen any day of our lives, even if we don't realize it at the moment. Sometimes, it can even become not just one singular moment in time, but an entire season in our lives. Within the past year, perhaps the biggest kairos was my fall internship with the Red Bus Project in 2014.

Several people have asked me since coming home almost two months ago, "So how was your time in TN?" or "What's one thing you took away from your internship?" I LOVE when people ask me those questions, but man, sometimes I get frustrated because I don't know how to answer. Trying to explain to someone in ten seconds or less how life-changing that season was or how big of a kairos it was in my life is like asking my little brother to explain what he's learning in math class right now (trust me, if you haven't looked at fifth grade math recently, it's a doozy). It can be done, but it's so much easier to show rather than tell. Nowadays, I usually end up showing people pictures from the internship when they ask me about it or I pick out a story from the internship to tell.

You can never fully capture the beauty of a kairos unless you're experiencing it. It's still hard for me somedays to completely wrap my head around everything that happened from August-November last year-and I even get a second chance to wrap my head around it here in a couple of weeks when I move back to Franklin to do it all again!

Kairos is something we all have in our lives and it's beautiful to think that God had all of them planned from the beginning of time. Just like how He prepared me for both the fall and spring internships, He's prepared you for the kairos in your life.

It wasn't until tonight that I really realized this. In the midst of several days of ridiculous levels of anxiety and crying just thinking about this new internship and being together (thanks Skype!) with all my interns/part of my RBP fam for the first since November tonight, God showed me that yes, this new internship is a big deal and yes, it will be another defining moment, and even though I have moments of extreme anxiety thinking about it, it's okay-God's got this all under control! Sometimes, I wish I could audibly hear God give me a pep talk, but thank goodness He uses people in our lives to give that to us when we need it.

(Side note: Anxiety has kinda gotten a good hold on me the past couple of days, but man, I am so PUMPED to be back in Franklin here in a couple of weeks! Seriously, I can't wait to meet the other interns, get back into the swing of things at the office, and hit the road. Most importantly, I can't wait to learn more kiddos' stories so I can speak up for them while having the chance to hear so many other stories from the people I'll meet along the way! RBP Spring 2015, I'm ready!)

So whatever kairos is heading your way, get ready! It's going to leave a mark! It may seem scary and thrilling all at once, but it's beautiful. And it will change your life. No matter how unprepared or prepared you feel, God's been getting you ready for this moment from the beginning of time. He's set it before you. It's our job to dive in head first, to take that leap of faith, and soak in every moment within that kairos we possibly can.

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." -Ephesians 2:10 ESV